Monday, October 16, 2017

Value in Numbers

My dad says he wishes I was less like him in one big way- we are both very logical people. We look at things analytically. I don't do the fluffy feelings. I look at the facts and base decisions off of that. I also have a bad habit of basing value off a few too many numbers. It doesn't matter what the numbers are really. Just any number will do. Sometimes it's how many dates I went on, how many times I went to the gym, how many calories I got away with not eating, or many a grade I got on a midterm. This week I took another one of trips to the BYU testing center. The last physiology test went horribly and left me crying in the bathroom after talking on the phone with my mom about how horrible I felt. This time, I studied every free second I had. I started recording every lecture so that I could listen to them while I walked, ran, drove, biked, sat....pretty much any time I could. I studied with the TA's or professor every single day. I honestly felt like I prepared as well as I could and I was ready to take that test. I walked out feeling proud, feeling like I had done such a good job. A few hours later I was baring enough to check my score...I got a C. A C??? You've got to be kidding me. Suddenly that was my worth. Ed was telling me that everyone in the class probably got an A and only studied for half the time that I did. Suddenly that also meant that everyone in the class is probably also smarter, more confident, happier, prettier, definitely on a much more successful path. That C suddenly brought me down to the bottom of the totem pole and I broke.

It was a Saturday, which means I had plans to go out with friends. Instead I showed up 2 hours later than I was supposed to because I had been crying in the shower, then on my bedroom floor, then in my car. I just couldn't stop. Suddenly I felt worthless and I didn't know what do to about it. When these moments happen I think about how easy it would be to just drop out of school and give up. It seems so much easier to just run and hide. My test was partly about fight or flight mode. Trust me, I think I aced that part of the test. It's what I do best.

Eventually I got myself to the party. I did the opposite of what Ed wanted me to do. He hates it when I surround myself with people. I wasn't confident  enough to talk to new people in the room because the entire time Ed was screaming, "Carly, that girl doesn't want to talk to you." or "She's so much cooler, nicer, prettier, and probably is a straight A student." He's really good at helping me remember my weaknesses. At the party I stayed with my friends and was relatively quiet. After about an hour I had to go to another party just because I promised a friend I'd go. It's almost impossible for me to be Carly if Ed want to be in charge. Even when it's time to be Carly, Ed makes sure that C is still on my mind. In retrospect, I now that one test score should define who I am. But this week, it's been so hard to not feel like a C.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Doctors

For someone who want to be a nurse, I really really really hate doctors. I hate having a complete stranger try to weigh. I hate when they tell me I'm ruining my body as if I don't know that. I hate when they tell me I have ruined by digestive system along with my metabolism, reproductive system, and how everything will be better if I just feed myself. Do they not realize they are preaching to the choir. Doctors are the worst. Dr. Savage spent an hour today trying to talk me into starting my periods with birth control. She's not the first to give me the speech. They just don't get it. I'm getting a little more humble and agreed to go onto antidepressant medicating. She read off my blood work and told me "I"m have typical anorexic blood numbers." What the heck does that mean? I don't like that lady but lets hope these happy pills do something before I get talked into doing something ridiculous like dropping out of school and going to rehab.

Friday, October 6, 2017

We are all a little broken.

Sooooo there's these humans. I have become pretty close with them this semester all thanks to a boy. Skyler started working at the BYU store in July so we became friends. When I broke up with the guy I had been dating all summer, Skyler jumped right in and asked me out. We've been spending time together consistently the whole semester. In that time, I've managed to get pretty close to his friend group. For a little while I was scared that I liked Skyler for his friends. OOPS...Guys, they are really cool. On Monday night Skyler forced me to have one of those deep talks that I avoid with everything in my power (deep talks always require way too much emotion for me to handle). He told me about some of his struggles. I learned that I'm not the only one who puts themselves in a vault and acts like everything is great when inside they are really freakin out. It felt good to know someone else was struggling too.....or so I thought.

The next day at work was horrible. Skyler was a completely different person. He was almost scared of me. It felt like he was dodging any opportunity to look in my direction. I confided in our now mutual friends. They were shocked Skyler had opened up to me. Apparently I'm the only one who Skyler had ever talked to about some of his struggles.

Throughout the week I've been struggling. Skyler is pushing me away, his friends are all giving me mixed advice, and I'm just a mess trying to put my own puzzle together. Through this whole thing I've had a lot of those "deep" chats that I really really hate. I got to talk to my dad about everything, Tiff has told me all about her struggles and worries, even Skyler's friend Joe admitted some of his fears to me. When I went to therapy today I was a mess and a half. I seriously hadn't stopped crying all day- in class, at the gym, in the shower, at home, then in therapy. Kim told me she was so proud of me. She was almost happy that I was struggling so badly. She explained that these struggles have forced me to open up to people. They forced me to make REAL connections with people and allowed people to see the vulnerable Carly that is stressed and struggling to know what to do. She pointed out that this week Carly Barton proved to have REAL friends. These people don't hang out with me just for Skyler anymore. They want me to go to the BYU football game even if he's at home doing homework. They love me for me. They trust me enough to tell me that they are broken. It scared me to death to be growing closer and closer to these really cool people. They are helping me feel again. Skyler and I probably aren't dating anymore. But I have found my people.

While the boys went to priesthood session I got to spend hours with these girls shopping. Me shopping? I usually hate it. Kim pointed out that the thought of trying on clothes with two other girls as we were all trying on the same sizes in the same dressing room showed that these girls really do help me feel a little bit better about Carly. 

The girl in the very middle has become one of my very best friends. She's one of the happiest, kindest, and most sincere people I've ever met. I needed her this semester. When my dad was just about to finish the priesthood blessing that he gave me he added a part about needing to focus on drawing close to friends that will support me and love me through my hardships. Little did I know how close my best friend was about to become. 

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

I am LOVED

I should be studying for finals right now. I simply cannot focus until I throw out some of my thoughts so here you go.

The biggest lesson of the summer is how lucky I am. I am loved. Loved by so many of the coolest people. None of my roommates have been home today which means I've been stuck studying in an empty apartment. During that time I've been snap chatting (I may be a snapchat addict) some of my very favorite people. I have been laughing and laughing and laughing as Steph, Kalli, and Alyssa send me endless videos of them with beards, cat ears, disproportionate faces, etc. ect. They love me. As I walked home from work today my friend Chris called me. He left for med school a few months ago but every once in a while he makes sure to call me to check in just because. After that conversation I had a friend from work ask me why I didn't come visit her in the stock room during our shift. I look back on just the past few days and think of so many people that have reached out to tell me exciting things that have happened, share a new song they found, invite me to a random party, cousins that let me crash their place with barely any notice, long distance friends send me a sweet text saying they miss me, my boss even let me sit in her office for a half hour while she asked me questions about my dating life and she told me about the book she is writing, then there's my mama who shows up at my apartment with Sunday dinner without being asked. How did I get so spoiled? I have people all over the place looking out for me and constantly helping me to want to be better. Even though I am completely unprepared for both my finals tomorrow. I am very happy because I am very loved.

I hope a fraction of these peopler realize how much I love them too.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Summer Fever

I went berry picking on a date the other day. We showed up and farmer Wayne told us that the raspberries we were looking for weren't in season. Which means we got to get as many as we could and it was free. Nailed it. 

Eating disorders have their seasons too. I've learned that summer months are by far the ripest for me. I don't have as much stress on my plate when it comes to responsibilities. Instead I feel like I'm in a constant panic that someone is going to invite me to a pool party or something of the sorts. I have this fear that I won't be prepared when the invite arrives.

This summer I changed up my recovery team and am working on going different routes with recovery. So far, I think it's working. Group therapy was really hard. This new therapist is doing completely different approaches. I'm slowly starting to have faith that one day I'll be able to eat a donut and not have to "make up for it". I'm so excited for that day.


Wednesday, July 12, 2017

A Loving Heavenly Father

Having an eating disorder is hard in a lot of ways. Ed turns of my emotion and reminds me that emotions are for the weak and vulnerable. Emotions always lead to getting hurt and are never worth the risk. It's hard to let people love you if you turn off all your emotions.

Some days I see myself turn into a robot. I go to school, work, do homework, go to bed. I avoid talking to anyone and everyone because that might require emotion. Sometimes I'm too tired for emotions. Other times I just can't get myself to open up even if I want to. It's like my whole limbic system shuts down. I just can't help it. Today was one of those days. I shut out my family and friends in order to turn off all emotion possible.

The more I have these days the more I realize it's hard to feel loved by anyone, including my Heavenly Father. When I turn off my emotion, I also manage to tune out the spirit. In all honestly, it's gotten really hard to keep faith that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me. I have seem so many people with so much faith that there is a God that loves them. How do they know that?? He's been pretty quiet in my world lately. These lonely days are when I wish so badly that I understood if God really has a plan of HAPPINESS for me. Happiness and love. Those are two emotions that I wish I could feel the most.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Looking the Part

I did it. I went to group therapy. It only took a year to convince me but I got there. It was terrifying. I hated feeling so exposed but then I realized everyone in the room hated feeling exposed. The biggest thing that hour and a half taught me was you don't have to look sick to be sick.

Everyone has this misconception that in order to have that bad of an eating disorder you have to look like a holocaust victim. I had convinced myself that I couldn't be THAT sick because people couldn't even tell something was wrong with me. Group taught me that there are at least 6 other girls who have felt exactly like me. They go to school and work with this on their shoulders and barely anyone around them knowing or understanding the little green monster in their head. They go through similar struggles every day.

It is empowering to know that I can be vulnerable in a room once a week for an hour and half with girls that have at some point, had my same thoughts. I am not alone.