Tuesday, August 15, 2017

I am LOVED

I should be studying for finals right now. I simply cannot focus until I throw out some of my thoughts so here you go.

The biggest lesson of the summer is how lucky I am. I am loved. Loved by so many of the coolest people. None of my roommates have been home today which means I've been stuck studying in an empty apartment. During that time I've been snap chatting (I may be a snapchat addict) some of my very favorite people. I have been laughing and laughing and laughing as Steph, Kalli, and Alyssa send me endless videos of them with beards, cat ears, disproportionate faces, etc. ect. They love me. As I walked home from work today my friend Chris called me. He left for med school a few months ago but every once in a while he makes sure to call me to check in just because. After that conversation I had a friend from work ask me why I didn't come visit her in the stock room during our shift. I look back on just the past few days and think of so many people that have reached out to tell me exciting things that have happened, share a new song they found, invite me to a random party, cousins that let me crash their place with barely any notice, long distance friends send me a sweet text saying they miss me, my boss even let me sit in her office for a half hour while she asked me questions about my dating life and she told me about the book she is writing, then there's my mama who shows up at my apartment with Sunday dinner without being asked. How did I get so spoiled? I have people all over the place looking out for me and constantly helping me to want to be better. Even though I am completely unprepared for both my finals tomorrow. I am very happy because I am very loved.

I hope a fraction of these peopler realize how much I love them too.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Summer Fever

I went berry picking on a date the other day. We showed up and farmer Wayne told us that the raspberries we were looking for weren't in season. Which means we got to get as many as we could and it was free. Nailed it. 

Eating disorders have their seasons too. I've learned that summer months are by far the ripest for me. I don't have as much stress on my plate when it comes to responsibilities. Instead I feel like I'm in a constant panic that someone is going to invite me to a pool party or something of the sorts. I have this fear that I won't be prepared when the invite arrives.

This summer I changed up my recovery team and am working on going different routes with recovery. So far, I think it's working. Group therapy was really hard. This new therapist is doing completely different approaches. I'm slowly starting to have faith that one day I'll be able to eat a donut and not have to "make up for it". I'm so excited for that day.


Monday, May 1, 2017

Looking the Part

I did it. I went to group therapy. It only took a year to convince me but I got there. It was terrifying. I hated feeling so exposed but then I realized everyone in the room hated feeling exposed. The biggest thing that hour and a half taught me was you don't have to look sick to be sick.

Everyone has this misconception that in order to have that bad of an eating disorder you have to look like a holocaust victim. I had convinced myself that I couldn't be THAT sick because people couldn't even tell something was wrong with me. Group taught me that there are at least 6 other girls who have felt exactly like me. They go to school and work with this on their shoulders and barely anyone around them knowing or understanding the little green monster in their head. They go through similar struggles every day.

It is empowering to know that I can be vulnerable in a room once a week for an hour and half with girls that have at some point, had my same thoughts. I am not alone.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Honesty

When we met with my recovery team a weak ago they told me how proud they were that I have been honest through this whole thing. "It's the one thing we can count on, Carly being so honest." Stab to the heart because in all honestly, I haven't been 100% honest. I tell them about when I use laxatives or when I spent a half hour or so sticking a toothbrush down my throat after a date takes me out for dessert. I tell them about when I go babysitting and the woman has a scale in her bathroom that I couldn't resist stepping on just for a quick peak. I even tell them about everything I eat. I tell them what part of the sandwich was shared with the garbage and what part actually made it to my duodenum. Ed and I have still had our secrets.

Ed and I bought a scale at the beginning of last semester. I have actually been way better than expected at not weighing myself very often because I know how bad of a trigger it is. There was always something comforting about it being right under my bed whenever I needed it though. Even if it was collecting dust. Ed and I even had a secret stash of our favorite laxatives right in my kitchen. I told my roommates my doctor said I could have those ones when needed. THAT WAS A BIG FAT LIE. I really didn't use those all that often either, but once again. There was so much comfort in knowing Dr. Schultz intestinal formula number 1 was waiting for when I needed it.

Tonight I came clean while having dinner with my roommates. As soon as we got home we terminated just about everything. Laxatives are currently in the Utah sewage and the scale is smashed into multiple pieces and in the dumpster. It feels unsafe. Terrifying....but oddly relieving to have no more secrets. That's kinda the way it has to be. I even made sure my siblings were aware that I'm an open book. I don't want ED to have the satisfaction of being the elephant in the room. I want my siblings to know about him just like my roommates do. If I'm getting rid of Ed I should probably stop keeping him so hidden from everyone else.




 I asked a few people in the ward if they had a bat we could barrow. I think I scared half our ward but in the end we used a rock that was actually the flawless tool to smash a scale. I love these girls and am grateful they helped me be a little more honest with them and with myself tonight. I can do this. Activities like this might have helped the stress of finals for all three of us just as much as it helped push ED a little farther away.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Not Enough

12 hours ago I had been excited for my next blog post. It was going to be all about how I accomplished a really hard week with three tests, a byusa event that I was one of the lead planners for, a big paper for New Testament, and then the usually busy to do list. I had done it. I got through the week and only died once because I ended up being the victim in the BYUSA murder mystery dinner ;)

Today I had wake up call. I was able to pull off a lot last week. I also managed to throw recovery out the window. On my to do list, the first thing to go is always recovery. I think one of the biggest reasons I love being busy is because then I don't have to think about ED. I have an excuse to not argue with him. I just do what he says simply because I don't have time for anything else.

Wednesday morning I went on a run with one of my best friends. We used to go running ALL the time. Now we only get to go every so often and the runs aren't nearly as long. We didn't do our normal run this time. Matt wanted to do a harder run that I had shown him last year. This run includes a hill that is SUPER STEAP and lasts for the entire third mile of the run. WOOF, right? I used to crave this run. It was exciting and thrilling to get to the top. This time was different. I hadn't had a drink of water in a few days, my calories had been pretty low, and I was just not going to make it up that hill. Matt wouldn't let me push myself and told me we had to cut the hill in half. I was instantly mad at myself. I used to do that run all the time. How had I become so weak?

A year ago I walked into a place called "Center for Change". I walked in, met with a dietitian, and walked right out vowing I would never go back to that horrible prison. Today, Ali recommended that I consider admitting myself to Center for Change for three months. Three months of rehab?!?! How did it get to this?

As she was talking, every word she said translated in my mind to- " You haven't done enough", "You're not strong enough", "You're not trying hard enough", "The people around you aren't helping you enough". The loudest one by far was "Carly you're simply not good enough".  I truly believe that I am doing my best. I am a perfectionist. I try to be practically perfect. Being told I'm not enough just about shattered me. How could that be? What is it going to take for me to be enough?

Thursday, March 23, 2017

BE THE HAMMER NOT THE NAIL

Making plans for the summer is thrilling and anxiety provoking all at the same time. I'm really excited to start over in a lot of ways. I have taken the long road to figuring out my future but I think I finally figured it out....I've said that 6 times so don't hold it against me if it changes.

Let's back up.

This is how I remember my schooling thus far....Kindergarten. I get pulled out of class twice a week to go to "the special class" with Mrs. Coffed. She's nice and she lets me play games. I work on getting my S's and R's down so I can say my name and lots of other words correctly. Speech is kinda important.  I get back to class right when the rest of the class is finishing up learning how to read. The teacher promises that I can learn to read when I speak as well as other students. Ouch. In my mind this woman was telling me I wasn't smart enough to read like the other kids.

A year later it's time for first grade! I get to be in school all day in Mrs. Hennigars class! She notices that I can't read and does her best to start me off on some easier books than the other kids. I also get time with her teacher's aide so that I can learn how to do more than interpret the pictures.

All throughout elementary school I avoid reading in class. Going to the reading program made it hard  hard to not feel different from everyone else who didn't have to go.

Middle School. This is when I learned that I love ice skating. I was never very good in comparison to the girls I skated with. It was my thing and I loved it.

High School is when Ed kicked into gear and taught me how to feel good about myself. "Exercise for hours and take a nap during dinner so that mom won't make you eat." Classic Ed.

A mission. Ed's worst nightmare and biggest dream. It all depended on the area. YSA's and small branches don't feed you very much so the last 6 months was Ed's time to shine. Once I understood how to be a missionary I loved it and was pretty confident with who I was.

College. Think back to Kindergarten. I've never felt like the smartest one in the room. I've never felt like I was very good at school. I was scared to death to go to BYU where everyone seems way too smart for their own good. Now I find myself preparing to apply for the nursing program. The rumor is, it's one of the most vigorous programs on the list. I'm signing myself for classes like organic chemistry and pathophysiology. WHAT?!?! Suddenly the girl that couldn't say her R's and S's has found something that is exciting. Something that makes her feel smart. I am excited to help people through medicine. In the past 3 weeks I've talked to a lot of nurses. All of them talk about how it's the perfect career for a mom. It's new and different everyday, you get to work with all types of people, you are completely separate from the business part, you can work any where! I can't wait to buy my first pair of scrubs for my internship next week! Guys I'm excited to wear horribly unflattering clothing and hang out with sick people all day. WHAOOO! Someone pray this excitement actually sticks!

I wish I could find Mrs. Coffed, Mrs. Hennigar, and whatever that kindergarten teacher's name was. I wish they could see me now. I wish I could show them that the girl that couldn't read got an A on her chronic diseases test last week. It only required meeting the professor 3 times and the TA's a good 12 times. I feel on top of the world even though I am currently on the top floor of the library being married alive in a test study guide. I'm excited for the challenge. It might be at BYU it might be at some random college somewhere else but wherever it is I'm working on not just letting it happen but making it happen. School, work, social life, everything is all about to change real quick! I'm learning how to, "be the hammer not the nail."  -Sue Barton


Sunday, March 12, 2017

For ME.

Two of my favorite things are t-shirts and cacti. Recently I've killed my 5th cacti (everyone said it was impossible but I beg to differ) and I purchased my new favorite t-shirt. Everyone knows I would rather wear leggings and a t-shirt with a big sweater than just about anything else in the world. With this new bad boy I'm never going to need to go shopping again!

For the past few weeks Ali has repeated asked me what Carly does for Carly.....I go on runs, I do homework, I eat healthy, I do family history, I work, I go on dates. These are things I fill my time with. I really love being outside and doing things that make me feel strong like rock climbing, hiking, long runs with my home teacher, even killing it in blaster tag on a date. 

I've realized that everything I do has to have a purpose or else I lose a lot of self-esteem. Wasting time isn't an option. If I have extra time I better use it wisely. There's always something to do, some class to get caught up on, some flaw that I better get working on fixing. I'm currently procrastinating studying the human cranial nerve pathways and functions. This temporarily feels like it has a better purpose.

Today, my roommate did something hard that was for her. It's what she needed to do and I admire her for it. She was willing to give up something good because she has faith that there was something better. To me, that takes a lot of courage. Sometimes I wish I was as brave as Libby.

Back to my new t-shirt. The best part isn't even the cacti. Under the cacti it says, "Be you. Do you. For you." I wear this shirt at least 3 times a week but I don't follow it very well. I'm not good at being me. Doing me. ESPECIALLY FOR ME. My roommates are all gone tonight so as I sit at home tinkering with a  model of a human eye and trying to memorize youtube videos of cranial nerves, I've thought about what I do for me. 

Last summer, I worked a really hard job because I thought it's where I was needed. As a nanny, I was for sure needed. That job did a lot more damage to me than good to anyone. This school year I've maintained relationships because I thought it would eventually be good for me, Ed included. My mom keeps reminding me that trying to make sure everyone else is happy is never going to help me be happy. 

This summer, I plan on learning how to be good to myself and I'm actually really excited to take some time to put Carly back together. There are 6 more weeks to pound out my 5th semester of college and then it's go time. A trip to Hawaii, camp hobe, a job that I'm not doing for the money or to be super nanny but because that's where friends will be, a huge book list because I miss reading so much, a new ward, a camping trip with my big sister in Tucson, possibly a race with an old mission companion, lots of ice skating, boating trips, country dancing, nights under the stars, and so so so many fun adventures with my friends and family. I'll probably even take Ali up on doing group therapy (massive eye role emoji). I'm getting trunky for my summer vacation. 6 weeks to go. I can do this. 6 more weeks until it's time for Carly.