But when does it fall into place?

Over the last few days I've heard way too many people say "and then it just fell into place". I don't understand that. This semester has been hell in a hand basket to say the least. I've worked so hard and feel like nothing has fallen into place. Nothing I do is right. I'd like to see a study of how long it takes for things to just magically fall into place. Maybe I'm not being grateful for what I have but today it's really hard to see anything falling into place.

This week I went to my freshman roommates wedding. It was beautiful. Rachel looked so happy and ready to take on the world. There is a group of about 12 of us that were best friends freshman year. They all talked about funny things their husbands do and what amazing baby clothing discounts they just found at gap. I don't have a baby. I don't have a husband. I can barely take care of myself and manage my classes. This makes me feel so pathetic. When is it all going to click and fall into place? I've been stressing out about this summer and what classes I need to take to I'm not forced into taking 18 credits in the fall. So far, I'm on waiting lists and enrolled in classes that are not going to allow me to work this summer. When is it going to fall into place?

I also had an interview with my stake president a few days ago. After the interview he asked me if I was in love. Nope, I have no clue what love is. He pointed out that my temple recommend is all I need to make it back to my Heavenly Father. "It's the golden ticket into the kingdom". That's great and all but what's the point of getting there and being alone? That's more hell then heaven to me. If one more priesthood leader points out that being single is a great blessing I might blow. 

My favorite line used to be "a mission is impossible to regret." Today I can't focus on studying because all I can think about is how missions might be very easy to regret. They gave Skyler Crohn's disease, introduced me to how well laxatives help lose weight, and turned one of my friends against the church entirely. Maybe missions can be a regret. All the freshman roommates that didn't serve missions are happy, married, pregnant, graduated, and loving life. Aren't missions supposed to help things fall into place? 

This post feels like a pitty party but Wendy says I need to write it out so here we go. Welcome to the current mind of Carly Paige Barton. I feel sad. I feel hopeless. I feel alone. I can't stop opting out of studying to take naps because that seems a whole lot easier and I'm probs going to fail my tests anyway. I can't force everything to fall into place. I'm really exciting for the day when it finally decides to though.