What is Recovery?

In my last post I mentioned how I got to go to Disneyland for a few days. I love Disneyland. I loved spending one-on-one time with Mary. I know she was updating my parents the whole time on what we ate for lunch and dinner but I tried to ignore that.

Mary was very patient with me. She waited until I was ready to eat lunch and was willing to go where I felt the safest. My dad took us to get safe snacks as soon as we got off the plane. Mary was fully supportive of waking up early to workout for an hour before we did anything else. She was basically exactly what I needed. She didn't ask me questions about ED. Mary let this weekend be all about having fun. She didn't even suggest hot tubbing! Score.

Food was almost completely safe on the trip. On the first night in Disneyland we decided to go get bread bowls. I didn't want Mary to know I was literally about to explode inside. I was a hot mess. Serious anxiety. I wanted to be normal though. I knew she was starving because we hadn't eaten in a few hours. I was just going got eat a few vegetables that we had brought into the park while Mary got herself a bread bowl. As we were walking to the restaurant and standing in line this is about how the conversation went.

ED- just eat half the cucumber and a few snap peas. You're not even hungry. If you eat the bread bowl you're going to get boated and I'll make sure you feel fat for the rest of the trip.

Me- You're probably right. I probably will feel really guilty if I eat a break bowl. If I eat veggies for dinner I'll be letting Lauren, Mary, and my parents down. I have been walking all day and I worked out this morning. Maybe I'll just have the soup.

ED- The soup is full of fat cream and potatoes. DANGER

Me- But it's really yummy.

ED- Not worth it...or you could get it, make sure to eat the entire thing and it will be pretty easy to "get rid of".

Me- nailed it.

I thought I was winning when I told ED I was going to eat a bread bowl because it's yummy. Ali and Lauren have talked to me a lot about eating foods that I used to love that are now pretty evil. I did eat the soup. It was delicious. I ate most of the bread bowl. It was also delicious. I could tell Mary was surprised, possibly even proud. I wanted her to tell my mom that I had eaten the whole thing! We rushed to the nearest bathroom. Mary waiting in the nearest store. It was almost too perfect. The bathroom was loud enough that nobody would have heard me throw up. I sat there and thought about what I was doing. For that five minutes, I was excited that Mary would be proud of me. Excited that she would think I am doing so good. HOW MUCH MORE FAKE COULD I BE?



I didn't throw up that night. I walked right out of that stall feeling 80% guilty and 20% proud of myself. The next few following days were hard. I still feel a little guilty but I ate a bread bowl in Disneyland. That sure feels like a big victory. WHAOOO!


To me that is recovery. It's being strong enough to silence ED 100% of the time. It's allowing yourself to enjoy food without worrying about the immediate consequences. Recovery means looking in the mirror and bring proud of what I see. I can't wait for that day.

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