The Year Mark
As a missionary, I felt invincible. That wasn't true. A year into my mission my eating disorder peaked. I lost quite a bit of weight before coming home. I felt accomplished in every way. I came home feeling skinnier, smarter, more confident, and more firm in my faith. I felt like everything was on my side.
Then reality hit. I jumped into school and a new relationship. As college life hit me, I started eating more regularly and my perfectly planned out schedule wasn't there anymore. My mind freaked out. I faked it for 4 months until everything fell apart. I broke up with my boyfriend and ED came screaming back. I feel guilty every time a date takes me to get an ice cream cone. I loath swimming suits or summer clothes in general. I started seeing a nutritionist and a therapist.
At first I hated my therapist. She would tell me to do hard things and would make me angry. My sessions were spent in tears of anger/defeat. I hated going to her office. She still makes me angry sometimes but now I mostly like her.
Ali asked me what I feel like I've accomplished in the past year. This question bothers me. I came home and had some time alone. As I did my insanity workout video, I thought about how many times I did that video as a missionary. EVERY DAY FOR 10 MONTHS. I had them memorized. I would even do two of them while my companions showered or I would wake up early to do an extra video before Sister Desautels woke up. Now, I barely find time to workout 4 times a week.
On my mission, I trained my body to live off of vegetables. Breakfast- a smoothie purely made out of vegetables and ice. Lunch- salad with no dressing,. Dinner- whatever members fed us. I found a way to get as little as possible. When members didn't feed us, I would have a pear or granola bar for dinner. No wonder I lost weight!
We had a scale that I would check daily. I loved seeing that number drop. It made me feel accomplished. It felt like I was barely trying to lose weight. It was melting away.
I look back on the past year and it's hard to recognize things that I'm proud of.....I've put myself in therapy, gained 13 pounds, lost my scripture study habits, gotten a C in one of my classes, gave up on a nanny job and lost contact with people that I cared about as a missionary. That's ED's voice telling me what I've done wrong. When I look passed that, I can see things I can be proud of-
I work at the temple, I helped teach people family history through my calling, I've earned 7/10 A's in my classes! I declared a major! I've developed incredible friendships. I've started eating hard things like bread which doesn't sound like a big deal but just ask Lauren. My biggest accomplishment still in the making is learning how to speak my mind and to say no, especially against ED. He knows me better than anyone else. He's been around for as long as I remember. Ed is so good at telling me what to do. He tries to tell me what will make me happy. My biggest accomplishment at my year mark is going to be learning or at least trying to learn how to say no to that stupid guy in my head.
I don't feel as skinny as Sister Barton. She was better at studying scriptures and serving everyone she saw. Sister Barton a better leader and teacher. Her testimony was more solid. She seemed completely confident with who she was. My mind often plots ways to go back to being Sister Barton. As I was working out, Ed was telling him how I just have to give up bread for the month of December to prove to Lauren that I'm way better off without it. I have a huge fear that as soon as Ali and Lauren go away, all of Ed's chains are going to come right back. I have this fear that this past year isn't enough to get rid of Ed. How many more mission anniversaries does he get to be a part of?
Then reality hit. I jumped into school and a new relationship. As college life hit me, I started eating more regularly and my perfectly planned out schedule wasn't there anymore. My mind freaked out. I faked it for 4 months until everything fell apart. I broke up with my boyfriend and ED came screaming back. I feel guilty every time a date takes me to get an ice cream cone. I loath swimming suits or summer clothes in general. I started seeing a nutritionist and a therapist.
At first I hated my therapist. She would tell me to do hard things and would make me angry. My sessions were spent in tears of anger/defeat. I hated going to her office. She still makes me angry sometimes but now I mostly like her.
Ali asked me what I feel like I've accomplished in the past year. This question bothers me. I came home and had some time alone. As I did my insanity workout video, I thought about how many times I did that video as a missionary. EVERY DAY FOR 10 MONTHS. I had them memorized. I would even do two of them while my companions showered or I would wake up early to do an extra video before Sister Desautels woke up. Now, I barely find time to workout 4 times a week.
On my mission, I trained my body to live off of vegetables. Breakfast- a smoothie purely made out of vegetables and ice. Lunch- salad with no dressing,. Dinner- whatever members fed us. I found a way to get as little as possible. When members didn't feed us, I would have a pear or granola bar for dinner. No wonder I lost weight!
We had a scale that I would check daily. I loved seeing that number drop. It made me feel accomplished. It felt like I was barely trying to lose weight. It was melting away.
I look back on the past year and it's hard to recognize things that I'm proud of.....I've put myself in therapy, gained 13 pounds, lost my scripture study habits, gotten a C in one of my classes, gave up on a nanny job and lost contact with people that I cared about as a missionary. That's ED's voice telling me what I've done wrong. When I look passed that, I can see things I can be proud of-
I work at the temple, I helped teach people family history through my calling, I've earned 7/10 A's in my classes! I declared a major! I've developed incredible friendships. I've started eating hard things like bread which doesn't sound like a big deal but just ask Lauren. My biggest accomplishment still in the making is learning how to speak my mind and to say no, especially against ED. He knows me better than anyone else. He's been around for as long as I remember. Ed is so good at telling me what to do. He tries to tell me what will make me happy. My biggest accomplishment at my year mark is going to be learning or at least trying to learn how to say no to that stupid guy in my head.
I don't feel as skinny as Sister Barton. She was better at studying scriptures and serving everyone she saw. Sister Barton a better leader and teacher. Her testimony was more solid. She seemed completely confident with who she was. My mind often plots ways to go back to being Sister Barton. As I was working out, Ed was telling him how I just have to give up bread for the month of December to prove to Lauren that I'm way better off without it. I have a huge fear that as soon as Ali and Lauren go away, all of Ed's chains are going to come right back. I have this fear that this past year isn't enough to get rid of Ed. How many more mission anniversaries does he get to be a part of?
Comments
Post a Comment