Tis the Season
School is out and I finally don't have to be checking BYU's emails and websites every second. I don't do well with too much free time so I've given myself a few shifts at the ice rink and BYU bookstore so that I won't go too crazy. Having responsibilities helps me feel good about myself. I need to feel somewhat accomplished. My parents also sent me and Mary to Disneyland for a few days. That was heaven!
No classes also means I get to spend more time at home. Honestly, being home is hard. Being home alone is scary because there is plenty to binge and purge on....That's just one big excuse.
Being home is scary for a big reason that I haven't really talked about yet. The reason I avoid my home and family is because I know they talk about me when I'm not around. I know my parents agonize and worry about me every second. I know my sisters are constantly asking my mom for updates on how I'm doing. My good old friend, Ed, is just as hard for me to be stuck with as it is for my family to have to watch. I know this. I know my parents were probably debating putting me in inpatient care for Christmas break. That probably would have made it easier for everyone. I don't talk to my family very much. I've accidentally shut them out as a way of trying not to be the one who is constantly crying wolf. I don't want to be fake or be a burden, instead I've been silent. Which is better?
This post isn't going where I wanted it to....I was supposed to be writing about my idea of what recovery is or how Christmas break is going...oops.
No classes also means I get to spend more time at home. Honestly, being home is hard. Being home alone is scary because there is plenty to binge and purge on....That's just one big excuse.
Being home is scary for a big reason that I haven't really talked about yet. The reason I avoid my home and family is because I know they talk about me when I'm not around. I know my parents agonize and worry about me every second. I know my sisters are constantly asking my mom for updates on how I'm doing. My good old friend, Ed, is just as hard for me to be stuck with as it is for my family to have to watch. I know this. I know my parents were probably debating putting me in inpatient care for Christmas break. That probably would have made it easier for everyone. I don't talk to my family very much. I've accidentally shut them out as a way of trying not to be the one who is constantly crying wolf. I don't want to be fake or be a burden, instead I've been silent. Which is better?
This post isn't going where I wanted it to....I was supposed to be writing about my idea of what recovery is or how Christmas break is going...oops.
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