Value in Numbers
My dad says he wishes I was less like him in one big way- we are both very logical people. We look at things analytically. I don't do the fluffy feelings. I look at the facts and base decisions off of that. I also have a bad habit of basing value off a few too many numbers. It doesn't matter what the numbers are really. Just any number will do. Sometimes it's how many dates I went on, how many times I went to the gym, how many calories I got away with not eating, or many a grade I got on a midterm. This week I took another one of trips to the BYU testing center. The last physiology test went horribly and left me crying in the bathroom after talking on the phone with my mom about how horrible I felt. This time, I studied every free second I had. I started recording every lecture so that I could listen to them while I walked, ran, drove, biked, sat....pretty much any time I could. I studied with the TA's or professor every single day. I honestly felt like I prepared as well as I could and I was ready to take that test. I walked out feeling proud, feeling like I had done such a good job. A few hours later I was baring enough to check my score...I got a C. A C??? You've got to be kidding me. Suddenly that was my worth. Ed was telling me that everyone in the class probably got an A and only studied for half the time that I did. Suddenly that also meant that everyone in the class is probably also smarter, more confident, happier, prettier, definitely on a much more successful path. That C suddenly brought me down to the bottom of the totem pole and I broke.
It was a Saturday, which means I had plans to go out with friends. Instead I showed up 2 hours later than I was supposed to because I had been crying in the shower, then on my bedroom floor, then in my car. I just couldn't stop. Suddenly I felt worthless and I didn't know what do to about it. When these moments happen I think about how easy it would be to just drop out of school and give up. It seems so much easier to just run and hide. My test was partly about fight or flight mode. Trust me, I think I aced that part of the test. It's what I do best.
Eventually I got myself to the party. I did the opposite of what Ed wanted me to do. He hates it when I surround myself with people. I wasn't confident enough to talk to new people in the room because the entire time Ed was screaming, "Carly, that girl doesn't want to talk to you." or "She's so much cooler, nicer, prettier, and probably is a straight A student." He's really good at helping me remember my weaknesses. At the party I stayed with my friends and was relatively quiet. After about an hour I had to go to another party just because I promised a friend I'd go. It's almost impossible for me to be Carly if Ed want to be in charge. Even when it's time to be Carly, Ed makes sure that C is still on my mind. In retrospect, I now that one test score should define who I am. But this week, it's been so hard to not feel like a C.
It was a Saturday, which means I had plans to go out with friends. Instead I showed up 2 hours later than I was supposed to because I had been crying in the shower, then on my bedroom floor, then in my car. I just couldn't stop. Suddenly I felt worthless and I didn't know what do to about it. When these moments happen I think about how easy it would be to just drop out of school and give up. It seems so much easier to just run and hide. My test was partly about fight or flight mode. Trust me, I think I aced that part of the test. It's what I do best.
Eventually I got myself to the party. I did the opposite of what Ed wanted me to do. He hates it when I surround myself with people. I wasn't confident enough to talk to new people in the room because the entire time Ed was screaming, "Carly, that girl doesn't want to talk to you." or "She's so much cooler, nicer, prettier, and probably is a straight A student." He's really good at helping me remember my weaknesses. At the party I stayed with my friends and was relatively quiet. After about an hour I had to go to another party just because I promised a friend I'd go. It's almost impossible for me to be Carly if Ed want to be in charge. Even when it's time to be Carly, Ed makes sure that C is still on my mind. In retrospect, I now that one test score should define who I am. But this week, it's been so hard to not feel like a C.
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