Highway to Hell

Center for Change is a rehab facility that I have been avoiding like the plague. My nickname for it is Hell. The last couple of weeks have been a struggle for me in very intense ways. I've been pushing myself in school, church, socially, physically, and emotionally. I realized that when I'm pushing myself in all those ways Ed pats me on the back and says, "Now reward yourself and have half a granola bar for dinner." Someone tell me how that makes sense! He's pretty convincing though. I was sitting in the library two weeks ago and I realized I'm on the highway to "Hell". I've pushed myself in so many ways. I just don't know how to push Ed out of my head. I can push myself to bench way too many reps than I want to. I can push myself to spend as many hours in the Library as I need to. I can easy push myself to stay up late with friends instead of get sleep. The easiest one of all is pushing myself to go that extra few hours with a few hundred less calories. I've even managed to push myself away from the people that love me the most. Why is Ed the hardest one?

At least 10 times a day I think about if I need to drop out of school and sign myself up for life in Hell. Kim says I would need to live there for a few weeks full time and then we would slowly drop one day every one or two weeks. Is that really what it's going to take? I have so many fears that instantly drown my thoughts. Am I going to get farther behind in school? What if it doesn't even work- that would just waste money and time! What about the friends that you've worked so hard to make? 

These may seem like stupid and irrational fears but they are my real fears. I am terrified that I'm on the highway to Hell and the only way off is going straight on through. Then there's that part of me that says, "Carly, stop worrying about this. You don't have an eating disorder, you're fine." These are the thoughts that scare me the most. Why doesn't everyone else see that I'm sick when I can't even see it.