Getting Real

I have a very very very real fear of failure. I think we all do. This is unfortunate because I'm actually very good at failing. I feel like I've failed at everything this semester. Call me dramatic, but it's how I feel. One thing after another has gone wrong and I finally have been buried passed my head. My failures have officially cut off my air supply. It's really hard not to throw my hands in the air and just give up.

-This semester I'm really not doing well in my classes. I even failed a midterm today. (Don't worry, I've got 3 more midterms to fail next week)

-I quit my job after only working there for 2 months. FAIL.

-My boyfriend lasted less than a week before I was freaked out. OOPS. FAIL.

-My church calling has been completely brushed to the side. FAIL.

-A missed temple shift. (I hate it when my alarm doesn't do it's job) FAIL.

-Then there is ED. He's been hiding for a while. I honestly thought he was gone. He's not. That would be too good to be true. FAIL.

Everyone around me seems so happy. I think 90% of the reason I wanted to date Griffin was because I thought a boyfriend would be a secret ingredient for happiness. NOPE. That was a silly assumption. On days like today I want to shut out the world and run away. I want to drop everything and hide. Life doesn't work like that. It keeps going and expects you to get back on the treadmill at the same speed as before.

I wish someone would just hand me a recipe for happiness. For peace. For success. All I've got is a fake smile and a whole life of failures.

Last night as I was walking home from campus I was feeling pretty weighed down. I called my friend Kyle and asked him if he'd go on a walk with me. The poor guy got out of bed and walked with me as I complained to him. He let me talk and then asked me how long I had been home from my mission. Almost 14 months. He asked me what I had learned in my time at BYU. I told him about how my testimony of the temple has gotten stronger and how I am learning that God wants to bless us. Not just everyone else. God wants to bless me to. He asked me if I really believe that. Sometimes I do. Most the time it's kind of hard to. Everyone always talks about how mormons are different because they have a special "light or glow". If that's the secret to happiness than I've lost it somehow. Fail.

Wow this post is one big pity party. Time to study.


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