Friends Close, Ed Closer
I've never really had enemies. There are people that probably don't like me very much but I don't think I've ever managed to make legitimate enemies.
In grade school, I always had good friends. There was always someone to hang out with me or go skating with me on a friday night. I had a fun group of friends that would come to my house for lunch daily in high school. Friends are great. I've got lots of those.
Best friends are a lot harder to find. Somehow I skipped the best friends 101 course because I never figured out how to make and keep a very best friend. I've gotten really good at making friends but keeping them at a distance. Until now, this has been a sub-consious/automatic habit. It's easier to keep friends distant because friends can choose to leave at any second. It hurts when you get close to someone and then they walk away without looking back.
Ed on the other hand has always been close to me. He will stay as long as I want him to....even longer than I want him to. He won't leave until I say so. He knows everything about me. He can give me advice when I don't have a best friend to do that. Ed understands me. He's my enemy/best friend that I've always kept the closest.
Ali had me make a chart of my closest supporters. There were categories like: my family, friends, church leaders, co-workers, support team, etc. I filled out the chart listing people from each category and where they were in terms of how close of a relationship I have with them. As soon as it was on paper, it scared me how Ed was by far the one that I've clung to the most. How do I switch that? How do I let people get close?
Today I was studying in my room as I overheard my roommates talking about how excited they were to go wedding dress shopping in St. George this weekend. There seemed to be no intention to invite Carly. At first I was surprised and confused, then hurt. I consider these girls my best friends. Did they just forget to invite me? Did I do something wrong? Why wouldn't they want me there? Are these girls really my friends?
This one example is a huge reason why I have always clung to Ed. He's with me always. He's got my back. Some people call him my enemy. On days like to day it's hard to not call him my best friend. Why would I want to let go of that?
To an outside eye, that statement sounds crazy. Why would anyone want an eating disorder following them around all the time? What kind of best friend is that? These people don't understand the security that it gives me. The confidence an eating disorder allows me to have. The love I feel from my eating disorder. Ed makes me feel accomplished, successful, powerful. He keeps me in the loop. He's always been there. Even when I asked him to leave, he stuck around because he knew I would want him later. He never forgets to remind me what I need to do or let me know what is good and bad for me. He tells me what will help make me happy and gives me ideas to improve and push myself. Doesn't everyone want a best friend like that?
Girls are mean. People are human. Today, Ed is my friend.
In grade school, I always had good friends. There was always someone to hang out with me or go skating with me on a friday night. I had a fun group of friends that would come to my house for lunch daily in high school. Friends are great. I've got lots of those.
Best friends are a lot harder to find. Somehow I skipped the best friends 101 course because I never figured out how to make and keep a very best friend. I've gotten really good at making friends but keeping them at a distance. Until now, this has been a sub-consious/automatic habit. It's easier to keep friends distant because friends can choose to leave at any second. It hurts when you get close to someone and then they walk away without looking back.
Ed on the other hand has always been close to me. He will stay as long as I want him to....even longer than I want him to. He won't leave until I say so. He knows everything about me. He can give me advice when I don't have a best friend to do that. Ed understands me. He's my enemy/best friend that I've always kept the closest.
Ali had me make a chart of my closest supporters. There were categories like: my family, friends, church leaders, co-workers, support team, etc. I filled out the chart listing people from each category and where they were in terms of how close of a relationship I have with them. As soon as it was on paper, it scared me how Ed was by far the one that I've clung to the most. How do I switch that? How do I let people get close?
Today I was studying in my room as I overheard my roommates talking about how excited they were to go wedding dress shopping in St. George this weekend. There seemed to be no intention to invite Carly. At first I was surprised and confused, then hurt. I consider these girls my best friends. Did they just forget to invite me? Did I do something wrong? Why wouldn't they want me there? Are these girls really my friends?
This one example is a huge reason why I have always clung to Ed. He's with me always. He's got my back. Some people call him my enemy. On days like to day it's hard to not call him my best friend. Why would I want to let go of that?
To an outside eye, that statement sounds crazy. Why would anyone want an eating disorder following them around all the time? What kind of best friend is that? These people don't understand the security that it gives me. The confidence an eating disorder allows me to have. The love I feel from my eating disorder. Ed makes me feel accomplished, successful, powerful. He keeps me in the loop. He's always been there. Even when I asked him to leave, he stuck around because he knew I would want him later. He never forgets to remind me what I need to do or let me know what is good and bad for me. He tells me what will help make me happy and gives me ideas to improve and push myself. Doesn't everyone want a best friend like that?
Girls are mean. People are human. Today, Ed is my friend.
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