Not Enough

12 hours ago I had been excited for my next blog post. It was going to be all about how I accomplished a really hard week with three tests, a byusa event that I was one of the lead planners for, a big paper for New Testament, and then the usually busy to do list. I had done it. I got through the week and only died once because I ended up being the victim in the BYUSA murder mystery dinner ;)

Today I had wake up call. I was able to pull off a lot last week. I also managed to throw recovery out the window. On my to do list, the first thing to go is always recovery. I think one of the biggest reasons I love being busy is because then I don't have to think about ED. I have an excuse to not argue with him. I just do what he says simply because I don't have time for anything else.

Wednesday morning I went on a run with one of my best friends. We used to go running ALL the time. Now we only get to go every so often and the runs aren't nearly as long. We didn't do our normal run this time. Matt wanted to do a harder run that I had shown him last year. This run includes a hill that is SUPER STEAP and lasts for the entire third mile of the run. WOOF, right? I used to crave this run. It was exciting and thrilling to get to the top. This time was different. I hadn't had a drink of water in a few days, my calories had been pretty low, and I was just not going to make it up that hill. Matt wouldn't let me push myself and told me we had to cut the hill in half. I was instantly mad at myself. I used to do that run all the time. How had I become so weak?

A year ago I walked into a place called "Center for Change". I walked in, met with a dietitian, and walked right out vowing I would never go back to that horrible prison. Today, Ali recommended that I consider admitting myself to Center for Change for three months. Three months of rehab?!?! How did it get to this?

As she was talking, every word she said translated in my mind to- " You haven't done enough", "You're not strong enough", "You're not trying hard enough", "The people around you aren't helping you enough". The loudest one by far was "Carly you're simply not good enough".  I truly believe that I am doing my best. I am a perfectionist. I try to be practically perfect. Being told I'm not enough just about shattered me. How could that be? What is it going to take for me to be enough?

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