Honesty

When we met with my recovery team a weak ago they told me how proud they were that I have been honest through this whole thing. "It's the one thing we can count on, Carly being so honest." Stab to the heart because in all honestly, I haven't been 100% honest. I tell them about when I use laxatives or when I spent a half hour or so sticking a toothbrush down my throat after a date takes me out for dessert. I tell them about when I go babysitting and the woman has a scale in her bathroom that I couldn't resist stepping on just for a quick peak. I even tell them about everything I eat. I tell them what part of the sandwich was shared with the garbage and what part actually made it to my duodenum. Ed and I have still had our secrets.

Ed and I bought a scale at the beginning of last semester. I have actually been way better than expected at not weighing myself very often because I know how bad of a trigger it is. There was always something comforting about it being right under my bed whenever I needed it though. Even if it was collecting dust. Ed and I even had a secret stash of our favorite laxatives right in my kitchen. I told my roommates my doctor said I could have those ones when needed. THAT WAS A BIG FAT LIE. I really didn't use those all that often either, but once again. There was so much comfort in knowing Dr. Schultz intestinal formula number 1 was waiting for when I needed it.

Tonight I came clean while having dinner with my roommates. As soon as we got home we terminated just about everything. Laxatives are currently in the Utah sewage and the scale is smashed into multiple pieces and in the dumpster. It feels unsafe. Terrifying....but oddly relieving to have no more secrets. That's kinda the way it has to be. I even made sure my siblings were aware that I'm an open book. I don't want ED to have the satisfaction of being the elephant in the room. I want my siblings to know about him just like my roommates do. If I'm getting rid of Ed I should probably stop keeping him so hidden from everyone else.




 I asked a few people in the ward if they had a bat we could barrow. I think I scared half our ward but in the end we used a rock that was actually the flawless tool to smash a scale. I love these girls and am grateful they helped me be a little more honest with them and with myself tonight. I can do this. Activities like this might have helped the stress of finals for all three of us just as much as it helped push ED a little farther away.

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