A Loving Heavenly Father

Having an eating disorder is hard in a lot of ways. Ed turns of my emotion and reminds me that emotions are for the weak and vulnerable. Emotions always lead to getting hurt and are never worth the risk. It's hard to let people love you if you turn off all your emotions.

Some days I see myself turn into a robot. I go to school, work, do homework, go to bed. I avoid talking to anyone and everyone because that might require emotion. Sometimes I'm too tired for emotions. Other times I just can't get myself to open up even if I want to. It's like my whole limbic system shuts down. I just can't help it. Today was one of those days. I shut out my family and friends in order to turn off all emotion possible.

The more I have these days the more I realize it's hard to feel loved by anyone, including my Heavenly Father. When I turn off my emotion, I also manage to tune out the spirit. In all honestly, it's gotten really hard to keep faith that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me. I have seem so many people with so much faith that there is a God that loves them. How do they know that?? He's been pretty quiet in my world lately. These lonely days are when I wish so badly that I understood if God really has a plan of HAPPINESS for me. Happiness and love. Those are two emotions that I wish I could feel the most.