Over the Denial Bridge.

"It's because you have an eating disorder", "Now do you believe you have an eating disorder?", "That's a sign of an eating disorder.", "Carly, you have an eating disorder."

These phrases have been on repeat for the past 6 months. My recovery team- Ali, Lauren, and Dr. Seamons are all about reminding me that I have an eating disorder. I've done everything I could to deny it. I still find myself justifying my actions. It's hard. It's hard to accept that fact that I am broken. It's hard to admit this eating disorder has come back to haunt me. To be honest, I don't think ED ever left. 

Ali is always asking me to write down my thoughts...I've failed miserably. Every time that I think about writing I can't do it. I'm hoping a blog will help me be a little more successful. 

I've described having an eating disorder to my friends and family as having a really annoying boyfriend that doesn't leave me alone. A boyfriend that is constantly telling me I'm not enough. I've decided that's not giving ED enough credit. My explanation is a huge understatement. ED is much more than that. I wish I could express how it's not about the food. It's about desperately finding a way to love myself. That's what this is all about. An eating disorder is a cry for help. It's an argument between my mind and my body to accept each other and own what I've got. That seems impossible in my mind. My body doesn't like my head and my head doesn't like my body. Until these two learn to get along...Ed will be the middle man.

I'm over the whole denial thing. At least today I am. I have an eating disorder. I'm broken. I've officially crossed that bridge.

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